I think (I hope!) how do you handle being pregnant at work? And so on. Nope. You (and a therapist) would know better. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. Couples counseling is also useful for people with issues that make them disposed to try to please and/or look from approval from their therapist. My jaw literally dropped. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. Nikada / iStock. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. There doesnt seem to be a whole lot of recognition of either here. Actually if you go off the Strip theres quite a few things to see and do around Vegas (also non-gambler here), desert hikes, assorted museums (notably neon art & the mob), and my personal favorite the Pinball Hall of Fame which has 100+ playable pinball machines (old and new). You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. I also love Vegas. My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. Theyre out there. Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. Yes!! You have to have the autonomy in your relationship to perform the required duties of your job; its not like youre going to shaking it on top of a table at the Cosmopolitan. That is the hallmark of a controlling person. :-). Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Seriously. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. Next, things you can do. My grandmother pays for the trip. -03-2022, 0 Comments For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. Its literally the opposite of a fun wild weekend. Almost every hotel on the strip has some sort of tourist attractions be it rides, shows, or other types of attractions and you can spend the entire day walking from hotel to hotel to see what they offer and have a great (and relatively cheap!) Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. Irrational fears are just a normal part of life, especially in these days of social media and around-the-clock news coverage, but when they either start holding you back from doing things you want/need to do or start negatively affecting the people in your life, thats a sign youve stepped over the line of normal and should seek help finding that line again. I also had this thought. PS: My third period class, mostly high-functioning autism cases, is split. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. Not for me. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. Ideally, you and your husband would support each other in your careers, not have babyish meltdowns. It made no sense. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. Just that it could be either one. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. Im betting its either a case of asking leading questions, an over-reporting of the amount of agreement received, or hearing more agreement than was actually being expressed on the part of OPs husband. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. He says its specific to Vegas, but its possible that hed be anxious no matter where OP went. ;). It is NOT his choice whether you go! Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. Its crazy how often this happens. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. It got dark on my (2-hour!) Milkshakes there are ON POINT. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. Im so sorry, Emma. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Eating a meal? And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. Exactly. The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. Then everyone is sober. Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. Same with mine. (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. But a counselor can assess it and go from there. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. Talk about what services you provide. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. It mostly makes me question his survey methods, which I assume involved leading questions like, would you let your wife go to a naked business orgy in Las Vegas?. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. He can express an opinion at most. He was so untrusting, I wondered if I had made a huge mistake in marrying him we had only been together for a little over a year before marriage. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. I am the main provider in our home, and it angers me that it seems he wants to sabotage my job because of his insecurities. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. If you bring consoling up, will he go? I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. When I said but no one else called their boyfriends he then he shifted to well, if you want to have a relationship like THEIRS I think it doesnt take much poking at this topic to find out if your spouse is anxious or controlling. See a g- d- counsellor. Youre the breadwinner? This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. This is bound to make them curious and excited. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. Dont! In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? Would he demand she quit? To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. Nothing magical about Vegas. I find this so interesting. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. I read books. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. seriously. No constant phone calls/other distractions.) Ill wait. In neither case do I think you should stay home, and I think youre best able to answer the question of his motivations, and how to deal with them long term. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. Also she is sole provider for family? Id love to see a red flag exercise at Nellis AFB. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. But also, this is pretty clearly a business and financial question. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? And thats Congo. Because my husband trusts me. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! It was BAD. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. It turned out that this was part of a larger problem he would call her every ten minutes at her desk at work too, and if she didnt answer, he would have her paged over the intercom. It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. This is a relationship problem, not a work problem. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). Well the place was built by mobsters to skin the rubes in casinos . Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. Sometimes, well even travel to the same city together, but then spit up and hang out with two completely separate groups of friends. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. OK! Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. What about yourself? It IS super pricey though!! Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. Has he ever left the house? My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. Hahahaha! Sorry for the confusion. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. I made this comment on the most recent one of those! In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally! Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. And the shopping! But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. Im going to a conference there in November for in-depth training on our electronic medical records system (not exactly a party subject! Its not legal in Las Vegas, although theres probably a lot of escort services, youre probably thinking of Reno, where they have legal brothels that have to follow a ton of regulations. Vegas! Its a him issue. This is a really, really big deal. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. You can get really great meals there. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. Those were a big hit. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. He asks that I check in with him once or twice a day for hi-and-I-love-you. I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! And heres what wethink will help. To me, wholesome is about the primary purpose of the activity.
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husband doesn t want to go on family vacation