There’s a moment in your life when you think about the big picture. When you think about what was it all about? Who am I? Why do I do the things I do?
I’m thinking that right now, standing in my front living room, looking at the east side wall, the bottom third torn out for a water issue we had. In my mind what I see are ashes – the exposed ribs of the house are burning, and the off yellow flat paint is peeling off in strips, the ceiling is collapsing, and the entire place is ablaze. The fire consumes every piece of timber, paper, fabric in the house, leaving only the smoldering cinder blocks, and the concrete slab tiled over with sixteen-inch squares of clay.
I see it, and I think – what is it about? What does it mean? I’m here standing, and the world keeps moving, and one day this will all be gone. I will be gone. Nothing I’ve done, or said, or worked for will be here – it will have all disappeared, and so I ask myself. What is it all about? I keep asking, and the answer never comes. You know what I mean. It never appears, not in full. I’ve gotten glimpses but not enough to make a sound decision, not enough to know what it was all about, not enough to tell whether I did the right thing in life or the wrong thing.
The last line spoke to me. Did I do right or did I do wrong? Who will judge me? Will my Savior look on me and see what is in my heart? Or will He see the corruption in my thoughts, the indecision, the times where I was weak, or the times I did wrong? I know I’ve done wrong. I know I’ve done right. Which one have I done the most? Sometimes I’m not sure. Is it every wrong will tear down a thousand rights? Is that true? Do I exaggerate? My mind is not my own at times. I know this. You know this of yourself. We both know yet we move forward, we try to be good people, and we are, most of the times.
So here I am wondering about my future when there is no future. My future will end in ash, and so will your future. What are we fighting about? What is it that consumes us day and night? Each with his or her vise. No one can tell me. I’ve searched the text, and I’ve found no answer. I have an idea. I have my faith. I have my Lord in Christ. I have what some know to be the resurrection – the covenant between God and Man. It says we are to have everlasting life.
Even as I stand here in my living room, pondering the world around me, pondering my life, pondering when all around me will turn to ash. And it will. I know there is a new place for me, but it’s far away, and the journey takes a lifetime for some, and for others, it’s only a blink.
These are my thoughts today. This is what I ponder. This is what I wonder about at times when the world around me seems pointless. I know it’s not, but at times it seems this way doesn’t it? I’ve fought the good fight, and I’m still fighting. I’ve not given up, for He has not given up on me.
I can see it around me. Not one standing structure, not one moving vehicle, not a person in sight. The world as we know will come to an end, just as your body will come to its end. Life here is finite, not infinite as the Lord has proclaimed.
My sons – you are what is best in me. My wife, you are what makes me my best. My bother you are the reason I rejoice in having a brother. My sister, you are the reason I am proud to be your brother. My mother, you are the reason for who I am. You never gave up on me, not before my birth, not after my birth. You stood by me, took care of me, feed me, clothed and sheltered me. You are the reason I have life. And this life I will fight the good fight, and I will fail at times, and I will succeed at times. I will pick up my worn body, my bruised ego, my eternal soul and I will move forward into the unknown.
As to my understanding of this world, I have no answer. All I can say is Love is what matters most and without Love what do we truly know?
Sincerely,
D.W. Rigsby